January 5th, 2015: Bovine Love

If you’re planning on traveling down, or across, Main Street in Hereford I recommend that you rethink your plans.

This morning finds commuters upset in a variety of ways all due to an excess of cow.

Cows and cow love.

I really don’t know what’s gotten into them. They broke free from their pens last night and they’ve started to take over the town. Just mooing and, well, it’s like they are flirting with everyone and everything.

One woman reported a stranger looking into her bedroom window last night, breathing heavily against the glass. She called the police, thinking it was her neighbour who sometimes spies on her.
When the cops arrived, they saw four cows standing in her yard, each looking through different windows – one with its head sticking into the bathroom window.

They have this look in their eyes. It’s like they are all…swoon-y. That love struck look you see in the eyes of teenagers who are all over each other in public.

Hereford, about 50 miles from Amarillo, is known as the Beef Capital of the world.
The bulls are licking the backs of cars and mail boxes, the cows are rubbing along side houses. A calf knocked over an elderly woman who was unfortunate enough to take her dog for a walk.

It’s like mad cow disease…but instead of infecting their brains it’s attacked their libidos.

The entire town has been overrun with amorous livestock.

I swear the cow was flirting with me, man. Walked right up to my car, winked, and stuck its tongue out. Man, it was weird. The look in its eyes, man…I could tell what it was thinking. It wanted me, you know?

On the South side of town, two bulls have mounted a car. The owner stood by, at first horrified, then recording it for YouTube.

The National Guard has been called in. After four hours, local authorities realized that the cows were not going to be easily put back into their pens.
They’ve tried to block off roads leading towards the more heavily residential areas in a hope to contain the amorous cattle and keep them away from civilians.

The CDC has tested the cattle’s drinking water and feed and have found nothing that would have changed the cow’s behaviour.

The cows have been loose for at least seven hours now. Police are warning the townspeople to stay indoors, stay away from windows, and do not let any cattle into the house under any circumstances.


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